Every parent hopes their kids will have a better life than they’ve had. Until it actually happens and your 28 year old millionaire kid starts explaining how you should live your life. What the hell do they know anyway! They don’t know how hard you had it when you were their age. Have they forgotten how many advantages you gave them in life? Take a deep breath and try to keep perspective. The alternative to accepting that your kids will do more than you is having them moving back home and work on a screen play for the next three years.  

Step 1:  Your kid’s first company just IPO’d with a valuation of $500mm 

Step 2:  Buy her biggest competitor and give her a run for her money 

Helpful Hints!  

You have no idea what the competitor you just bought actually does. Hire your nephew to run the company and task him to double revenue in two years. Eventually buy your kids company in a hostile takeover 

Life doesn’t always turn out like you plan. Maybe you decided to have a kid on your own because you didn’t want to settle for some average guy. Maybe you married that average guy and the towering resentment finally killed your union. Or maybe that average guy left you when the reality of being a parent set in and he chickened out. Don’t despair, there are some great upsides to this life. Here’s advice for being a #singlemom  

Step 1: Reconnect with an eccentric surfer artist your ex bought a collection from 

Step 2: Have a very public affair on social media 

Helpful Hints!  

That collection will quadruple in value but your ex will sell it now anyway out of sheer frustration 

Life doesn’t always turn out like you plan. Your marriage started out as a blissful couple of years of travel, sex, and dinner parties. Pretty soon kids come into the picture and your golf game goes to hell. Before you were too irresponsible but now you work too much and aren’t present enough. Once the kids start school your wife might start to wonder if she needs you around at all anymore. But if you can’t even agree on what kind of ketchup to buy don’t despair; here’s my advice for #singledads.   

Step 1:  Hire a night nanny 

Step 2:  Everyone at the athletic club already knows you’re single 

Helpful Hints!  

Be discrete, the ladies will want to lay claim to you so stay away from the Instagram models who overshare 

Like all new parents you want the best for your kids. You’ve read the studies that say too much screen time is warping the impressionable minds of today’s youth. But eventually you’ll get exhausted and give up. Just like the story of the tree falling in the woods… Is it too much screen time if no one outside the family knows about it? Below are some strategies for #screentime   

Step 1:  Your PR people convince you an RV trip with the family will make you appear more down to earth and likable 

Step 2:  After the first hour you let the kids watch unlimited cartoons so they stop fighting 

Helpful Hints!  

What’s more down to earth and likable than a family fighting on a road trip. The TV viewers eat up the “just like us” segment and photo series in People 

A well-liked idiot will go farther and have a better life than a smart jerk. With that in mind, your number one goal in life is to make sure you socialize your kid to get along with others. This will take a mix of having enough empathy to be likable and enough competitive spirit to still win (most of the time).  Don’t feel like you have to do all the work though. School, slumber parties, summer camps, and sports teams are all available and ready to help make your ornery kid a social genius. The other good news is that you get roughly 18 years to work on #socializingyourkid 

Step 1:  Normal kids are easy to get along with 

Step 2:  Focus your socializing efforts on how to navigate the choppy waters of the rich and insecure 

Helpful Hints!  

Have your kids read the 48 Laws of Power, but not too soon or they’ll use that knowledge against you 

Remember back in high school when they taught defensive driving? It was mostly based on going slow, having enough buffer space between you and the car in front of you and signaling a turn 3 blocks before you actually needed to turn.  What a shame to waste that youthful split second reaction time on driving like a grandpa. They’re not putting 400 horse power in every modern car so you can drive the speed limit and your teen will not be driving slowly. Here now is how to teach #aggressivedriving  

Step 1:  A BMW M3 seems like a reasonable 16th birthday present 

Step 2:  Have one of the drivers from your F-1 team teach your kid to drive 

Helpful Hints!  

Put the family attorney’s and your private mechanic’s phone numbers on the dash of the car. If they crash the M3 they get a Volvo wagon for their next car.  

Kids are like little nuclear power plants, when something goes wrong alarms blare and demand attention. Unlike nuclear power, which is supposed to work forever, your kids typically last two hours after a meal before their cute eyes start to water and they’re face crunches up and you know your night with friends is about to end. Yet, there is a secret method I’ve developed over the years with my friends kids called “no meltdowns.” You look at the kid seriously like they’re a new hire and simply say “no meltdowns…” Trust me, kids know what it means when you say #nomeltdowns 

Step 1:  You notice your kid starting to meltdown 

Step 2:  Tell them “no meltdowns” 

Helpful Hints!  

If they still meltdown (unlikely!), hand them to one of your nannies and have them sent to the opposite wing of the house. 

Step 2: If they hit the goal change the rules

Step 3: Explain that this is the difference between being head of sales and being the owner of the company

Helpful Hints!

Nothing ruins a family’s legacy like kids who never make an effort out of laziness or a fear of failure. Reward your kid for taking on big risks and big goals. Each time they fail they grow and get closer to winning. Build a fire inside so they don’t waste their lives trying to impress people at cheesy dance clubs.